Friday, January 17, 2014

The Sex Issue That Shouldn't Exist

I am surprised that there are still guilt-related sex issues roaming around. We've had a Sexual Revolution, the PlayBoy empire, the birth of, birth control, the Jersey Shore and Fifty Shades of Grey... yet some women still carry guilt. And they don't talk about it: they just accept that maybe they can't/won't have orgasms. That's not fair.

sex, women, orgasm, bdsm, kinky, sexual
Do your job and make women more sexually expressive. And stop saying "unman me."
Let me explain: I'm not saying people should constantly talk about sex--that would devalue it. I'm just surprised that some people still want to demonize and make others feel ashamed of it.

I have a friend (I know people say this when they are really talking about themselves, but this is really about a friend) whom I will call Olive. Olive, by all measures is an intelligent, liberated, beautiful, educated, fun-loving girl whom I have known and loved for many years: She's great. 

We were talking the other day about celebrity porn videos and how the idea that these videos are "accidentally" leaked so easily must be a lie to get publicity.

So, as the conversation progressed, I said something about One Night in Paris and that if everything else fails maybe Paris Hilton could be a porn fluffer. Olive fell silent.

"You mean doing that with your mouth?" She squeaked.

I was taken aback. I expected laughter, not a question that might be asked by a preteen. This was the same girl who carried lube in her purse in college - just in case.

"Yes," I said. I felt embarrassed. I didn't want to describe the job requirements of a fluffer since I realized we were not on the same page.

"She services the male actor in between takes so he can keep his erection. With her mouth." I felt the need to clarify, but cringed as I said it out loud into the phone.

"Oh. I don't do that."

What? Suddenly I wanted to ask all sorts of questions: why, what, have you ever, is this a new thing, does your religion forbid it?

"Oh, ok. Cool." And then I fell silent. For a few moments long enough to make it an awkward silence.

"Wait. I've known you for a long time. You don't give blowjobs?" I blurted out.

Olive sighed. "I don't do that. It seems unnatural. Dirty even. Anatomically, too. Like I'll be judged. I can't do it."

"Well," I chose my words carefully as not wanting to upset her, "Do you like when they do that to you?" It was at this point I realized this was the most in depth conversion Olive and I had ever had about oral sex. Perhaps she had steered clear of this topic our entire friendship.

"I don't do that. I can't get myself to enjoy it. I don't think it works. It just feels...awkward. Doesn't work for me."

I wanted to shout: It's not wrong! It's great! I went to catholic school, too, but most of the stuff they told us about premarital sex is archaic and bullshit. You will not be struck by lightening. Give it a chance!

Instead, all I got out was: "It's ok to enjoy sex. Whatever kind. It doesn't make you wrong."

Olive paused again. "What does it feel like?"

"Oral sex? Giving it or receiving?" I twisted my hair around my finger. I was a little uncomfortable playing the role of instructor as I never thought Olive rejected the idea of oral sex before.

"No. An Orgasm."

I did not expect that.
woman, confused women

For a moment I didn't answer. I made a confused face. Then, at realizing Olive couldn't see my face, I realized I had to answer. Not bombard her with more questions.

"Mostly like a release. On a big scale. Imagine feeling very tense and then being able to suddenly let go of all that tension, specifically in your genital area. And the feeling of easing spreads throughout your body, like you're un-tensing other muscles. You feel happy, calm and energized at the same time. It's great."

"Shit," Olive said.

We spent the next hour talking about her lack of sexual conquests, nights that didn't work out as intended, intercourse not resulting in orgasms by itself, bad ex-boyfriends and the fact that she never tried self-pleasuring herself because throughout adolescence, college apartment-sharing days and moving back home after being unable to find a job she had felt someone was always around, ready to bust her at any moment so she couldn't relax. And her embarrassment was greater than her desire to try.

Damn you recession, the depths of your reach are immense.

Now, I felt the need to step in: "This is something you learn to do, not expect to surprisingly happen. Everyone is different, so thinking the next person you sleep with will be able to guess exactly what you like will not happen. You need to tell him, or at least encourage when he's in the right direction. Think of yourself as a cheerleader, not a coach."

Olive was silent. But I knew she was listening. Maybe she was impressed I made a sports analogy.

"I think you need to figure out what you like on your own, first. Do not get paranoid. Lock your bedroom door, put some furniture in front of it, whatever. I think it will help... do you understand the general idea of it?"

Olive snorted, "Yes, I think I know how to do that. I just get nervous about my fucking family running around without boundaries. Most of the time I just give up. So I don't know how to tell him what I like, because I'm not quite sure."

"I laughed. "Ok, maybe you should get yourself some help... of the battery operated variety?"

batteries, vibrator, orgasm, women

Olive laughed, "If you can't come right out and say it, how are you going to help me?" (the range of my word prudeness is vast, and most of my friends know and make fun of me for it. Bastards)

"A vibrator. Go buy one. You don't even have to do it in person. Go to and order one, to come to your house, in discrete packaging, and then figure it out. Some woman can be very picky. Try different positions, fantasize, don't give up because it's taking awhile. And don't put it on the highest speed because you think that will work the fastest--you will vibrate your clit off."

Olive didn't respond but I heard the distinct tapping of fingers on a keyboard...

"I'm not going to push you on the oral sex part. I do think you should give it a try and maybe your apprehension has more to do with the last man you slept with rather than the act itself. It's not meant to be a dominating act or something dirty or demeaning. Be open minded because it's something that will benefit you, intercourse without other stimulation can make orgasms difficult. There's nothing wrong with you."


"Promise you'll try this?" I asked.

"Yes. I don't want to wake up 30 years old and realize I've never had an orgasm."

fireworks, orgasm, women
The only pc visual aid I could think of

"Good. You'll be happy you tried. Call me if you have questions." I said. After a few more minutes of small talk and goodbyes we hung up for the night.

That conversation happened weeks ago. Since Olive is single, I wasn't going to follow up with her about the oral sex at all, but I was of course curious about her progress on the personal front. As I was debating whether to text her or not, I received an incoming message.

" :) Yippie. Love you. Thanks."

That was enough of an answer for me. Kudos, Olive. Welcome to the big leagues (I'm on a sports roll).

Readers, anyone else know someone like this? This conversation seriously through me for a loop-- I didn't know sex-guilt or awkwardness was so pronounced in today's oversexed culture.

Who's got a story to tell?

In Batteries We Trust,


Copyright © 2014 Lady J
All rights reserved


  1. Well, I want to either make some smartass comment or say something profound, but I'm about to head to class and don't have time to think of anything.

    1. That's a safe comment! Thanks, Andrew

  2. So glad to see you are open about discussing sex, as too many people are hung up on it. Sex should be fun for all involved. It's a give and take to make each feel pleasure. No oral sex? Wow. I recently met a girl at at party and she admitted to us that she never does blowjobs. We were all shocked because she said she loves when a guy goes down on her but she won't return the favor. Claimed it was dirty or something, Kind of like your friend.

    Great post! Now we all know you are a sex expert!

    1. I agree -- we should be more open and it should be fun. I completely agree there's a time and place for such talk, meaning it shouldn't be in every conversation, but when it arises no one should be embarrassed.

      I never understand the "I like to receive but not give" argument. Does seem selfish. Weird.

      Thanks, Phil.

  3. I love this!! So many lines made me laugh out loud. "Vibrate your clit off..." I'm dying! I'm also one who keeps fairly close track of my battery situation.

    Yes, I just declared that on the world-wide web.

    I have the perfect story to share but it's too long for a comment. I'm thinking of blogging it. :)

    1. Haha. Now you are the one making me laugh-- and your handle on the battery situation in your home-- feel liberated! Glad you like it, thank you :)

      You should blog it. I miss your blog :) I know you're busy on bigger things, but your blog is a fun time. Thanks, June

  4. You are the Dr. Ruth of the blogosphere. This was a wonderful article. I'm glad you were able to convert her.

    1. I don't think I am there quite yet, but thanks, Lauren! I do think I converted her... now on to the next

  5. Sex is the one thing we should enjoy without guilt as there is so much other stuff we can fester over.

    1. I couldn't agree more. Thanks, Brenda :) We should talk it over and feel better about it

  6. you have changed her life.

    plus, "the range of my word prudeness is vast" (!) love you hard, lady. xoxo jill

    1. I love you and your wonderful blog! Thanks, Jill :) I am a word prude, I make involuntary facial expressions when I hear a word I don't like -- so embarrassing.

  7. I sell toys and do romance parties. You wouldn't believe how many women say the same thing, or worse think there's something WRONG iwth them because they don't have orgasms from "regular" sex (meaning, they don't have intercourse orgasms). 80% of women need external stimulation to orgasm. Most women don't seem to know that, and even if they do are too worried or afraid of hurting their dude's feelings by asking. Even though EVERY male I've ever asked has emphatically said he'd happily do whatever she wanted to get her off. Sigh.

    This is why the Romance Party/Toy companies are in business: somebody has to be out there to answer all the embarrassing questions. :)

    1. Aw, at least they are open at the parties -- I hope it helps. I was at one once, pretty fun. It was a little intimidating since I was young.

      The "I think something is wrong with me" argument makes me sad. There's NOTHING wrong with them! Ugh. And I don't think men want to be lied to that what they are doing isn't actually working. Le sigh. You are quite the business woman, Jill!

      Hey, if someone is answering the questions I think we're all better off. Good for them. And um, for all the other stuff they provide, too :)