Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Blueberry Swizzle Stix at Blockbuster

I am going to substitute "weed" for "swizzle stix" in this post. Yes, in a past life I occasionally indulged in swizzle stix. If you are above that, you probably won't like my other posts, either.

See, here's the thing, I've never actually bought swizzle stix. My knowledge of types, hybrids and THC-levels were limited to friend's and boyfriend's choosing. Imagine my surprise when I learned there were fruit varieties. BOOM.


On a warm Wednesday night, my friends and I decided to stray away from the ordinary and actually spend a night in. No bar, no beach, just hang out at home and watch a movie or two. In the summer this was unheard of. We wanted to try something new, and truth be told we were broke and not getting paid until Friday.

Scene change to Blockbuster, that store where you used to go and pick out a movie. Before Netflix beat them into a bloody pulp.

Blockbuster, netflix
Remember me?

Also, the problem with going to Blockbuster is that you have too many options, especially with a crowd of people. With men and women present, Love Actually got shot down very quickly, as did Alien vs. Predator--this was going to take awhile. We split up into groups.

My Little Pony
My Little Pony was a good time had by all.

Carrie and I had roamed into the children's section and were seriously considering a My Little Pony movie when I reached for the movie to read the back cover and my hand met a soft plastic bag.

"Oh. Oh my god. Carr, look." I pulled the almost full ziplock bag off the shelf and held it in my hand.

Author's Note: I had absolutely no idea what an ounce of swizzle stix looked like. Nor its street value or accompanying prison sentence.

"Is that...Wow. I can't believe, I mean we're in the kid's section..." Carrie and I looked at each other and then back at the swizzle stix.

Carrie's boyfriend, who apparently had swizzle stix spidey sense, appeared behind us. "Let's go. Now," he said, while grabbing the bag out of my hands. He began walking towards the front door.

Carrie protested, "We haven't picked a movie and that's what we came for!" She stopped walking. I stood next to her. I also wanted my swizzle stix back but I figured we would discuss it in the car.

Carrie boyfriend stopped, grabbed Carrie and I both by our upper arms so he was slightly behind us, and began pushing us towards the door. "You don't understand what you found. Why do you do think you found that in the kids section? Either someone at Blockbuster sells and just put that out for a client, or that is where someone else likes to schedule pickups. You want to wait around to find out if he's friendly? Consider this a gift and move."

He had a point.

We went to the car, making no eye contact with the cashier by the door, and drove home without a movie. Once inside the apartment Carrie and I  sat on the floor and started riffling through pizza delivery menus and the small selection of dvds in the living room. Carrie's boyfriend began weighing and sectioning off the swizzle stix in other bags.

"Cool. Haven't seen this in a long time." Carrie's boyfriend muttered. An odd fruity smell hung in the air.

Carrie rolled her eyes, "It's swizzle stix. You saw it Monday. Be grateful we found that. I still want a movie."

"No, you don't get it. Here." Carrie's boyfriend brought the half-empty bag up to us, holding it out in front of our faces.

I looked up at him. "Yeah. Seen it before. It's green."

Carrie's boyfriend rolled his eyes and shook his head slightly. "Jesus, nothing gets past you two! Smell it."

Carrie and I both leaned forward and inhaled the air near the plastic bag: It smelled strongly of blueberries. We both gasped, "It smells like blueberries!"

Soon after our other friends arrived, the pizza was ordered and since we could not decide on a movie, we choose one in random order: Cars the Disney movie. We decided to wait until the pizza arrived before taking our Blueberry adventure and watching the movie.

With our pizza in house, we started the movie and started passing around the swizzle stix.

Lisa Simpson, the Simpsons
Just like Lisa, I was embarking on a brave adventure.
I do not know how they grow that stuff, but to quote the Simpsons: "I [felt] like I could see through time." It was magical and euphoric. But um, also terrible. Never do drugs kids. Never. (Until they legalize swizzle stix and then it was MAGICAL and EUPHORIC.)

We watched Cars twice that night. I cannot tell you a single character or scene. I assume there are cars in it. I sat perched on the arm of the couch for most of the movie, staring aimlessly at the tv. Smelling burning blueberries.

I sent out one-word text messages repetitively to my friend Olive. When I came home that night I had a piece of gum in my hair and glitter all over my chest. There was also an elaborate unicorn drawn on my torso in green sharpie--I didn't know any of my friends could draw that well.  

For when you really mean it, use the green sharpie.

Why do you hurt so good, blueberry swizzle stix?

To this day I have never encountered blueberry or any other fruit-hybrid swizzle stix. But now I know they are out there. And you do, too. Maybe one day...

And that kids, was the day I learned there was different types of swizzle stix.

Say No to Drugs,

Lady J


  1. I loved swizzle stix! There were so many varieties. Those were the days.

    Say no to school.
    Eat your drugs.
    Stay in vegetables.


    1. Now there are words to live by :) Thanks, Phil! I never knew there were so many varieties... seriously.

  2. Ah yes! I remember the days of Acapulco Gold, Columbian Red, and Maui Wowie in the 70s. So sweet. And the strange Alaskan Thunderf*ck in the 80s. The progression to sinsemilla and on to the hydro and exotics...
    Enhanced my music experiences, movies, and life itself. But then the time for responsibility brought the legality into the picture and I set my pipes aside.
    There is a time and place for everything, and I do not regret the experiences. But I do not condone drug use or alcoholism (the wet version of getting stoned). If anyone ever does decide to experiment, I highly (no pun intended) suggest that if comes from a know source and you are around people you trust. Moderation is the key.
    Perhaps one day the government will finally have monopoly on manufacturing (growing) this green lady, and she will run free in the public again. Until then, my bowl remains cold and empty.
    Nice write Lady J. Took me back in time. Fast cars, hard music, good buzz, best friends...

    1. Ok, see, you are fancy and know all the proper names. Way too advanced for me. I don't condone drug use, either... but, people will go through phases in their life. I agree with Moderation.

      I honestly believe the government will have a monopoly on it-- it's a small presence now for medial use, but it'll get there. If only ever for economic reasons-- cripple the drug cartels by cutting off their main export. Ah, capitalism.

      Thanks for commenting! Glad it brought back memories

  3. Flavored swizzle stix???? I'm so impressed. Too bad there isn't any Blockbusters around anymore for me to find more swizzle stix.

    1. Thanks! I never knew. Aw, maybe you can try in Target? Thank you for commenting :)

  4. I've always been sad that I can't have swizzle stix...because I learned early on that someone with serious hayfever gets stuffy and itchy from swizzle. Bumm. Er.

    That's why I love wine. ;)

    1. Well wine is a perfectly fantastic substitute. Eeek hayfever, you are right to stay away.

      Thanks, Jess. Don't be sad, you're not missing that much. And the "magical and euphoric" qualities of swizzle stix abides by the law of diminishing returns... it's not like that every time.

  5. You seriously crack me up. Love your blog. Foound you via Blogaholic Social Network.

    1. Thank you very much! Aw, kind words. Now I will have to properly stalk, er, I mean check you out :)