Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Nuns Lie | Jesus On A Bagel Song

Do you remember Bagel Bites? Specifically the pizza kind. I remember eating them mostly in grammar school. I also remember the jingle written for the pizza Bagel Bites commercial.

In case you can't watch the video (at work) I will paraphrase the jingle:

Pizza is the morning
Pizza in the evening
Pizza at supper time
When pizza is on a bagel you can eat pizza anytime!

(Author's Note: I thought evening and supper were the same time)

Well, that catchy little jingle would get stuck in your head. The ad execs did a good job. So good in fact that this jingle made its way into the Catholic school system of Chicago, Illinois.

molly shannon, superstar
Superstar! Pic courtesy of victorsellsout.blogspot.com

Traumatizing High School Anecdote: 
I went to an All-Girls Catholic high school (College Preparatory Academy, if you're fancy). And at that high school was a World Religions teacher and nun that I will call Sister Mary Pop Culture.

She was at least 70, tiny and was judging each and every one of us girls. She thought we were whores, without any evidence besides the length of our uniform skirts. The funny things about Sister Mary Pop Culture was that she would make MANY references to current television and movies, but would deny that she ever say them. Denied she watched tv. Liar!
nun costume
Ok, she was elderly, but less scary than this. By a smidge.

Sister Mary Pop Culture saw the Bagel Bites commercial. How do I know? Because at the beginning of each World Religions class she would try to make us sing a "song about Jesus." This is how that song went:
Jesus in the morning
Jesus in the evening
Jesus at supper time
It's good to praise Jesus anytime!

That is the Bagel Bites song, you bitch!
Bagel bites
Sister Mary Pop Culture stole the Bagel Bites song and substituted "Jesus" for "Bagel." She did NOT come up with that on her own.

So in my head, I would hear the words "When Jesus is on a bagel you can eat Jesus anytime." And I would laugh uncontrollably. And so would the other girls. And Sister Mary Pop Culture would get pissed.

Author's note: I don't even think nuns are allowed to get pissed. That's two strikes, sister.

"Girls [whores], I do not understand what is so funny. We should start each class praising Jesus, our Lord and Savior. Now, let's sing it again. No laughing. Or you will do it again." Sister Mary Pop Culture said with a stern look on her face, beady eyes glaring from under her habit.

And we would do it again, because we had to. But I could not stop my inner voice from saying When Jesus is on a bagel you can eat Jesus anytime. So I would often bite my lip. Or stare at the map of the world on the wall and try to laugh silently. Or breathe in deeply on the last stanza of the song and hold my breath. Sometimes I would breathe in so hard and hold it, it would contract my abdominal muscles and hurt for the rest of class.

I didn't want to sing that damn song again.

And today, in 2012, I hear a woman humming the Bagel Bites song to herself at the gym. On the tricep dip machine. I wanted to run to her and scream when Jesus is on a bagel you can eat Jesus anytime!

But I didn't. Because that would have scared the woman I have never spoke to before. Also, I don't understand what it means to, or how you would get Jesus on a bagel. And what kind of connotation eat[ing] Jesus anytime has. I guess you could stick a bunch of church wafers on a bagel. I never gave it that much thought before. The thought bothers me, actually.

Making Amends with Sister Mary Pop Culture:
First off, I do not believe in ghosts, but on the off chance I am wrong please do not haunt me. I'm mostly sorry for calling you a bitch. I also don't need your judgement for the things that go on in my bedroom. And in my shower, and in... just stay away from my home.

Anyway, you ascended to the rank of Mother Superior of the Resurrection convent and then fulfilled your destiny as a "Jesus Wife" (I hate this term but have heard it used with nuns) a few years ago. Now, if I hear the Jesus on a Bagel song, I think of you. I thought of you today.

Again, please don't haunt me. You probably think my mocking of Jesus and your bullshit nature of obviously watching television is sacrilege. I was good in your class. Remember that.

Go ahead, reader. Try to sing the Bagel Bites song and not think, When Jesus is on a bagel you can eat Jesus anytime. I dare you. It's catchy.
Bailey, cat, kitty
This is my adorable cat Bailey shunning you as you sing "The Jesus on a Bagel song."
Peace be with you,

Lady J

Copyright © 2012 Lady J
All rights reserved


  1. Haha, hilarious! This made me remember my times in my childhood catholic school. Oh, nuns...

    1. Thank you! Oh my, I'm sure you have a few stories of your own.

  2. Oh...I'm laughing so hard there are tears. There are so many reasons that's hilariously wrong.

    If you'd been at a gym in a different state (say, while on a work trip or something) I think you totally should've done it. WOuld've been a story for you AND random bagel song lady. Although, yours may have ultimately included jail, I guess...

    1. Don't cry :) But I'm glad you had a laugh.

      Seriously, if I never had to see this woman again (I saw her yesterday) I would have. There's a part of my brain that runs motor and speech skills automatically, and it took every bit of restraint not to run to her. For instance, on Sat I went on a ghost walking tour (true story) and while the woman was telling us about a supposed haunted college I saw a cat walking across the sidewalk and yelled "KITTY!" Much to my bf and friend's dismay. Can't help it sometimes.

      I'm scared of jail, too... Thank you, Jess.

  3. Wow! I want to laugh, but the analytical side of me is contemplating the depth that mainstream secular/religious ideologies can crawl, root, and sprout at any given time. Usually at a most inopportune time. Luckily, you challenged the "mental probe" as a child and still hold it at bay!
    Critical thoughts and verbal attacks, not just via Catholicism, but from any accepted ideology, can leave a negative imprint on a young mind. Few are strong enough to turn it to humor. I am glad that you are able to laugh about this now.
    Fortunately, I was raised Protestant and only received the standard curse of "fire and brimstone" ramblings on the Sabbath, and I missed the Bagel Bites craze. Although my mother did threaten to save me and look for the mark of the beast when I was nine.
    Now, I can laugh. I killed the analytical beast in my head and lay it as an offering at your pyre for "Bagel Bites."

    1. I try to add a dash of humor with everything--whether it's inappropriate or not. Probably a defense mechanism.

      Yes, the fire and brimstone scare the hell out of children. If it makes them behave as better children, that's fine, but I don't think they should be scarred for life. And some religious thought has a way of doing that.

      I'm glad you can laugh about it now :) Glad you didn't get "saved" either... what trouble that would have been. Thanks