Tuesday, December 16, 2014

What Happens in a Disney World Bathroom

What happens in the bathroom, stays in the bathroom. Unless you're in a bathroom with me, because I might blog about it. Coming off a fun-filled holiday at Disney World with Capricorn, I've gathered enough witness testimony to declare: I think the atmosphere in the Women's bathroom is drastically different than the Men's bathroom.

disney world bathroom, disney world, kids on vacation

Every bathroom I ventured into had women complaining about hunger, humidity, male cohorts not wanting to stop to eat, bad children, tired feet, hunger and did I mention hunger?

Capricorn's report of the male bathroom? He shrugged, said it was a bathroom and men don't really talk to each other, maybe just some logistical directions from fathers to younger kids about hand washing and peeing.

In case I am just a keen observer (wanted to be a cross between Nancy Drew and Murphy Brown my entire life), I'll let you judge for yourself:

Two little boys (ages 4-6) banged on a series of bathroom stall doors (including mine) multiple times, yelling: "Housekeeping! You need more towels?" As their mother coached another child inside a stall, who screamed back, "Boys, stop it! Stand near the sinks and don't touch anything."

My guess is their stay at Disney World was the first time they heard housekeeping knocking on their hotel door. The knock that gives most adults not wearing pants a cold chill, in hopes that we remembered to lock the deadbolt. I did not request more towels.

Hooked on Phonics [Drugs]
A little boy, about 4 years old, who started out humming the opening bars of "Hark the Herald Angels Sing," became bored with his carol and became to scream MARIJUANA over and over again as he activated the automatic sinks.

As I was waiting in a long line just to get into a stall, the constant flow of running water started to frustrate me. His mom was changing his younger sibling at the changing station. Her embarrassment was noticeable, as she gasped and said, "miho, ven aca!" [son, come here.] The little boy started to say "marijuana" slower, enunciating his syllables and smiling at his mother, obviously proud of his grasp of a difficult word.

Careful what you say around your kids, folks. Because they'll say it loud and proud in public.

walt disney world, disney bathrooms, restrooms
Credit: disneybabiesblog.com

When Your Kid Outsmarts You
In the late afternoon I walked into a bathroom at the Animal Kingdom that I thought was empty. A few minutes later, I heard shuffling in the stall next to mine that scared me, as I was in the Animal Kingdom and I couldn't see any feet.

I was confused. Then I heard a thump and saw a pair of pink shoes with light-up soles appear in the stall next to mine. I felt at ease, it was a child. Then, the uneasy feeling returned: what was this little girl doing by herself in a bathroom? I'm a grown-ass woman, now that I knew it wasn't a wild animal, I couldn't with good conscious leave this kid alone without telling Disney staff; she might have gotten separated from her family.

Before I opened my mouth to say the usual something that would sound hopefully responsible and not kidnappy, a woman's voice rang out in the bathroom near the entrance, "Alison, are you in here?" *she saw the little pink shoes* "Honey, you have to tell mommy if you go to the bathroom. You can't just leave the shop."

Alison: Sorry mommy. Had to go.

Alison's mom: Do you need me to come in?

Alison: NO.

Alison's mom: Let me in.

Alison: *silence*

Alison's mom: Alison, open the door.

Alison: I'm ok. Fine *after rustling, opened door, mom assumingly came in, door closed*

[Meanwhile I should mention I got a little pee shy and just wanted the pair to leave]

Alison's mom: Ok, finish so we can go. The bus is here.

Alison: *silence* the lights in her shoes started illuminating again, shining on the glossy finish of my stall wall.

Alison mom: Go use the potty. We gotta go.

Alison: No.

Alison's mom: Then let's go. You have to wash your hands first.

Alison: I... I gotta go. Just a few more minutes

Alison's mom: Ok. But go so we can make our bus.

Alison: *giggle*

Alison's mom: [pregnant pause]... Did you tell mommy you have to pee so we would miss our bus?!

Alison: *giggle* We could stay and go on the dinosaur again.

Alison's mom: Oh, that's it! Let's go. *lots of shuffling, left the bathroom, Alison did NOT wash her hands afterall*

hungry, hangry, pug, disney world, vacation hunger

Fucking Feed Me
This isn't just kids. If I walked into a Women's restroom, someone, somewhere was talking about food. Or crying about it: They didn't have enough to eat at breakfast; They just had the best meal ever; They were hungry AGAIN and didn't want to admit it to others in their party; They were crabby, they were hungry and they wanted someone to fucking feed them or they were about the explode.

If I didn't just eat myself, by the time I left the bathroom, I was hungry. I was weak and gave into the psychosomatic power of convincing myself I needed to eat something. And you wouldn't like me very much when I'm hangry (hungry/angry). Thanks a lot, ladies.

Maybe Disney implants mystery hungry-mongers in Women's bathrooms to spike the hungry levels of their female guests.

I'm on to you Mickey.

Well readers, I only have experience with the Women's bathroom, but I don't see these kind of shenanigans happening as often in the Men's. Am I wrong? Feel free to sound off in the comments.

Be Good to Each Other,


Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Wordless Wednesday: Holiday Happenings

Just home from a long holiday with Capricorn, which brings me to my wordless wednesday post.

Me, any given day that involves walking miles around crowded, humid Disney World. I can be a monster when my blood sugar dips too low.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Retail Confessions: Messing with Marketing Data

I used to work for The Gap and I found the quickest way to mess with their marketing data. Ok, I worked for Old Navy, but The Gap owns it. And Old Navy's profits have surpassed that of The Gap every year since 2000.

You know the retail drill: fold clothes, refold clothes once customers come and screw up your piles, offer customer service, sales. Pretend you have to pee once an hour but you really just want to sit down and not have to talk to anyone. Oh, did I say that?

gap, black friday, old navy, shopping, retail horror stories

Well, The Gap--who also owns the Banana Republic, Old Navy and online Piperlime--tries to accomplish market research by offering a percentage off to customers who call a number listed on their receipt and take a brief survey. They also accomplish this task by making their cashiers ask each customer for their zip code and phone number-- a task that often leads to a cashier being yelled at by the more conspiracy-theory customers.

Author's Note: This question elicited many nasty remarks from otherwise normal customers. It struck a sour, immediate note. I once was yelled at because of this question and told I was a tool, whoring myself out for "The Man." I wanted to counter this attack by informing the yelling jackass that he was the only tool around here with all the pleated khakis and pastel polo shirts he was purchasing. Sadly, I did not. I was afraid at the time. That time has passed: Tool.

The Gap wants to know basic information such as your zip code, phone number household information, blood type (I kid). Basically, this helps them figure out whether or not a certain zip code would benefit from a store, thus resulting in the company making profit. It's all about the money.

So, being young and sarcastic ( but mostly scared of being yelled at again) I bypassed the phone number and started to fill in the zip code myself. I entered the most famous zip code I could think of, of any kid who grew up watching television in the 1990's-- 90210.

That is, Beverly Hills: 90210.

Beverly Hills, Beverly Hills 90210, Brenda, Kelly, Andrea, Dylan, Brandon
The original cast

The problem was, I used to cashier a lot. So, many a Beverly Hills inhabitant visited our Chicago location. I'm sure much to the confusion of the marketing department at The Gap. I just couldn't stop. My supervisor was horrified when I accidentally told her I was doing this and told me: "Let's keep this between us. Don't say that again." Sorry, the world knows now.

I have no true way of knowing if this swayed The Gap to place new stores in Beverly Hills, California, or perhaps changed the Chicagoland's marketing campaigns to appear more beachy to drive sales. I like to think it made someone stop and do a double take.

I wonder: Do market research departments have a "Beverly Hills: 90210" clause for their data collection to protect the information from getting skewed by jerks like me who grew up in the 1990's and can't help by type that zip code in unimportant questionnaires?

Do they shake their heads and say: "Damnit, those Generation Y-ers are at it again! Throw out all the data for the last 4 months--not all the customers were from California. The bastards got us again!"

If not, they should. If someone finally hires me to work in their retail marketing department (I no longer work in retail, and the company I work for could care less about your zip code), I will start this clause and call it the: Brenda & Dylan Forever Rule. Oh yes.

Brenda and Dylan, Beverly Hills 90210

TV Show Rant: Kelly belonged with Brandon and she shouldn't have been messing with Dylan in the first place. Be real, Kelly. Take a good, long look at your life choices.

Ending Thought: I would apologize to The Gap, but I remember so many nights I had to work 3+ hours past my shift ending to clean up the piles of clothing left by crappy customers, or the year you told us employees we couldn't have raises due to budgetary constraints but gave the managers and supervisors bonuses.

Suck it. No one from Beverly Hills, California visited your Chicago store in 2008.

Whenever I hear the word "Sabotage" I instantly think of the Beastie Boys' song. In case you are like me, here's the video. Watch it, I know you're already humming it in your head.

Tell me your retail / workplace fun facts. How do you keep things lively at work?

I really do respect marketing data. Just not at that time in my life,

Jean Marie

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Sassy Starfish of Social Media

The aquatic representation of how I feel about social media at the moment.
Sassy Starfish (other people) disapprove of your life and thoughts captured on the internet. Yet, she/he is sassy herself and is beyond approach of any judgment or criticism. 

sassy starfish, social media, internet trolls, politcal, twitter rants

Just seems a little fishy to me.

I had no idea I had just a propensity for puns. Oh well. People of social media, let's try to find the humor in things.  In other people's jokes and observations.  I know some things are no laughing matter (rape, inequality, Ferguson), but if we just keep yelling into the abyss and shaming other people for their words... you aren't doing a damn thing. You haven't come up with solutions or solved a problem.

When the two college kids invented a lipstick that changed colors when it detected the date-rape drug, people argued that we shouldn't need such things as we should teach people not to rape. They took aim at its creation.

OF COURSE we should teach people not to rape, but also having a tool to make drugging someone harder is not something to be spurned. We should teach bullys not to bully, but we don't spurn the idea of having a a hotline to call for help just because we should all learn to treat others with respect.

So, I guess my point is let's stop being so damn judgmental for the point of hearing our own voice and trying to outsmart or shame another. Be more goal oriented than that, not just part of a non-solved problem. Have purpose in your words and actions.

No one likes the trolls and just because you believe in your cause doesn't absolve you from trolling others - tactics matter.

I realize I'm opening myself up to criticism,  but hey, that's life and I'll address it as it comes.

Seacrest out,


Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Wordless Wednesday: Post Election

Hmm... y'all see the elections last night in America? This Independent is feeling pretty skeptical about congress getting anything accomplished in the next few years - just more of the GOP bitching and acting like petulant children, in majority or not.

Anyway. Today is Wordless Wednesday. So, in honor of last night, I picked a politcal figure. Oh, and I'll be back to writing my usual posts soon and reading my fellow bloggers' work. I had surgery and am feeling much better today. :)